You are, the piece of me, I wish I didn't need.

To have friends is to be able to be proud to tell the world about them, to be able to introduce them to your family, extended family, and even your other friends, but then again, what happens when we aren't able to do that? What happens when everyone can see the kind of people that your supposed "friends" are? Especially the ones closer to your hearts?

I'm trying to understand where they are coming from, but it is a little difficult because it goes against my morals. I tell everyone that I know that I'm not someone to judge anyone, and as long as you give me my due respect, I'll give you the same respect. I'd mirror it. But what happens when the people closer to you are so judgemental that everyone around them can see it? What happens when you get people asking you "why your friends so judgemental and like keep giving everyone weird looks?" How do i reply to that?

I mean, i judge people too. Random strangers on the train, people I would never see again, and I would never say it out loud, or loud enough that they could hear it, or they could see it on my face because it hurts to know that someone is judging you on first impressions. We can all leave first impressions to job interviews because that is the one place we are definitely judged and we can do nothing about it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking one step forward and ten steps back. I'm trying my very best to climb out of this depression hell-hole, and it sucks when some of the people closest to you are so oblivious and the words hurt. I hate being left out, or when my clique has an inside joke that i'm not in on. I mean what's that all about? It's so annoying.

Then again, this is one-sided. I have no idea what they are thinking, what's going through their minds, or if they are as done as I am, and this is the best of our friendship. If it really is, if it is only going to go downhill from here on, it's best we all walk away from each other before something major happens that hurts one or all of us.

Not Giving In.

So, I just turned 21 yesterday. It feels the same as turning 17, 18, 19, and 20.

Although I wasn't expecting anything at all, just a relaxed day out with my cousin, I love how my special bunch made it really special for me. A surprise birthday cake, a day out to town, and another special girl meeting me for dinner.

It really was great.

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On a different not, I've not been feeling really good lately. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I'm just distracted all the time and I don't feel like doing anything. Depression really isn't a joke. It's difficult, it's tiresome, and I just want it to stop.

I'm sure many people would go "stop being so dramatic. Just cause you're feeling down for a little while doesn't mean you are actually depressed." No. You don't know what it's like feeling down, and feeling depressed.

When you're feeling down, it's just a day or two and then you're fine. Depression is worse. A lot worse. I can't even begin to explain how it is. It's like drowning, and you know you're going to die but you struggle to try to get to the surface any way, but sometimes something else is just pulling you down. It could be anything. Life, people, yourself, it just pulls you down.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, depressed people don't like telling others that they are. If they tell you, it honestly means that they trust you a lot. The trust given to open up and tell you things is a lot. Don't take it for granted and laugh it off. Most of the time when they tell you, they're trying to reach out to you, to silently scream to you that they want help, that they need help.

I do that too. To all my close friends. Especially every time I feel like i'm close to the edge. I know that I want to leap of the edge, to stop struggling and let myself drown. Sometimes I just want to let myself go.

I'm so close to just giving up.

Nobody's Fool.

I've been a train wreck recently. I've had so many issues that I think my previous post about working on my self-esteem and confidence is a definite bust.

It's been a lot of a roller coaster ride lately and I have no idea where the brakes are. I've had my mind all over the place and I can't seem to stop and take a step back to think and try to organize all my thoughts. Even right now, I have my thoughts all over the place, making typing this down next to impossible.

I'm turning 21 in 3 months, and I don't think I want a party. Well, I DON'T THINK I WANT ONE, because at the end of the day, I'm still a girl. Sparkly stuff, and presents and balloons and lots and lots of alcohol makes me a very happy girl.

I'd love to have a really nice ballroom, with helium filled balloons in black. I'd love sparkly decorations and a table that's filled as high as possible with lots of presents (not the shit ones that people get for the sake of getting it and not because they think you'll use it or would look good on you.) I actually want presents that I WANT. get it? Like on a wishlist. I'd like to look great in a real sparkly gold or black dress, but i'll just look disgusting because i'm a fat blob of disgusting. I want alcohol, lots of alcohol, alcohol that's so much that it can get every single individual drunk. I'd love a cute date. That won't hurt.

And this, though I know no one reads this, is my wishlist for my 21st birthday. (Singapore will snow if I even get one out of everything here.)

1. A rose gold Michael Kors watch.
2. Issey Miyake pleats please! perfume
3. Paris Hilton Perfume
4. Dr. Martens (In floral or black, or actually any colour)
5. Creepers
6. Dorothy Perkins Gift Card
7. Marc Jacobs watch
8. Topshop Gift Card
9. Sephora Make up (like foundation, concealor, powder, all that - the full set)
10. An all paid trip. HAHAHAHA
11. A cute boyfriend. LOL.

Okay I've run out of ideas, and all the above listed is probably way out of anyone's paycheck's league, so I can just continue dreaming about it, or saving up enough to buy it. Either way.. Oh well.

& maybe find love? LOL. I make that seem like walking into a shop and buying it. Who am I kidding. 

Oreos.

It's been a really long year for me in 2012. So many things have happened, I've lost friends, fought a lot, and I know I've come out on the other side a much better person. Or I hope I have come out on the other side a much better person.

The past definitely hurts. The things I've been through, those that I don't tell people, those that I keep to myself just because I don't want anyone to worry. Sometimes, I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words because I just don't really know how or what I'm feeling.

People's words really hurt sometimes. The things they say, the way they act or behave. It's like one day you're fine and dandy with them and the next, they're stabbing you in the back with a blunt knife.

But i've learned not to care about people like that. That they aren't worth my time or trouble, thanks to someone who's been talking to me a lot and just trying to bring me up when I feel like utter shit. Thing is, sometimes it's not that easy to just forget, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you try.

What i'm really glad for are all the good memories, my birthday, my friends birthdays, new friends i've acquired who has actually began as just smoking buddies to people I really care a lot and trust. And I have Janeni and Nad, who are amazing, they see me at my worst but love me anyway.

Then there is that one person that no matter what I tell people, I don't seem to be able to forget because it's not easy. I've had him in my heart since I was 15 and it's not easy to forget one of your initial loves.

So for 2013, it's time for me to forget the past, to treat it like a distant memory, and to focus on my present. My studies, and the people who has been around me and never left no matter how shitty I was. These are the people I really appreciate, and I hope never to lose them.

This year, I'll work on myself. On my confidence and self-esteem, and try to work on being skinny. HAHA, but that's a joke. lol. Nevertheless, I will try my hardest, and if I fail, I will still learn to love myself anyway, and not count all my flaws. Maybe i'll look into the mirror one day and not hate the person I see.