Long Way to Go.

You know what I hate the most? I hate it when people judge me.

Yes, I drink. That doesn't make me an alcoholic. I still get up in the morning like everyone else, and go to school. I still pass my exams (most of the time), and no, contrary to what so many people who think they know me think, I don't drink everyday, or every chance I get. I can go clubbing and not drink at all. I've done it before. It's not that I don't have self control. Just cause I drink, it doesn't make me a bad person.

Yes, I occasionally smoke. That doesn't make me a failure. That's not going to ruin me, my future, my career, or anything like that at all. That's not going to ruin anything, except my possible health. And that's okay with me, because it is my health, and my body. Sure, so many people are going to be judging and saying that many would like to be healthy, and have a healthy body. Yes I sympathize that they don't, but no, that does not give ANYONE any reason to just tell me what to do with my own body. If I let anyone who said something about my body get to me, i'd be a size 0, with no boobs, no butt, my face would probably be falling off from all the plastic surgeries I would have gotten to make my nose sharper, my eyes bigger, and since I wouldn't have any boobs, it'll be boob jobs to make my boobs bigger.

Yes, I absolutely love tattoos, already have 2, and would probably have more in the future or near future. No, that doesn't make me a gangster, or hooligan, or a drop out with nowhere to go and no aim in life. I do actually. I want to be an educator. A teacher. Tattoos aren't going to stop me from getting it done, you know.

No, I'm no Virgin Mary. But no, that doesn't make me a slut or a whore, or someone guys can use to just have their awesome time with. HELL NO. Albeit I always end up giving it up to the wrong one, it still does not make me a slut. Stop trying to tell me abstinence is key. Sure, there are girls who would wait till their married to give it up, but I have another question of my own: What happens if the marriage doesn't work out and you get divorced? Is it going to be you and your hand the rest of your life, or are you actually going to find someone to share the ecstasy with? Or are you going to get married 10 times (assuming your marriage has failed more than once) just so that you can say "I'm not a slut because I have sex only after i'm married." Then that's fucking bullshit. You're no different from the rest of us girls who gave it up way before we got married. We're in the 21st century already, please tweak, tune, alter and stretch your thinking a little bit.

Yes, I'm fat. No, that doesn't mean i'm unhealthy and pig out on food all day in front of the television. NO. I'm the kind of person who'd rather, between the options of walking and taking a bus, i'd walk if the distance is reasonable. I'm not going to take the bus for one stop, unless i'm really tired. Yes, I'm on a sports team in school, and yes i'm still fat. At the very least I'm trying to make myself healthier. And no, I don't eat a lot everyday. It's just some days, where all you people come together to be all judgemental and pointing your stupid dirty fingers at me, that's when I have an outbreak. It's like Aliens vs Predators, only it's Shalania vs Food.

Yes, I hate it when people don't use proper english to make a first impression sometimes. Especially people I might potentially date. I know you people would go "beggars can't be choosers" because i'm fat and ugly and shit, but hey, I do have some standards, I'd rather not date if i know I'm not going to be able to stand the guy's grammar and english, and i'm going to feel the need to correct it and humiliate him throughout the whole date.

Yes, I put on shitloads of makeup. No, I don't do it so Tom, Dick and Harry over there can fall head over heels in love with my fake face. I do it because i'm insecure, and to make ME feel good about MYSELF. Some people photoshop, I just photoshop in 3D.

Yes, I fall in like too fast and too hard (I don't say love, because i've only ever loved 2 guys in my entire life), but that doesn't mean I'm weak. That just shows you that i'm still old fashioned. I like people, instead of things. I cherish people, and cry when I have to let them go, not things. In today's world, you see people more in love with their iphones (I know I still am though), or their gadgets more than they love people. Go sit in a restaurant, or hawker centre, and observe, whole families can be sitting together having dinner, but everyone's on some technology or another. See couples on dates, and they're also on their phones. (I'm not saying EVERYONE does that, but most people these days do.) Yes, I do that sometimes too, but only when I feel that i'm absolutely left out in a conversation, or i've got a text i should reply, but not hang on my phone the whole entire time.

Yes, I always try my hardest to see the best in people, but that doesn't mean i'm a saint. I'm flawed too. I have moments where I see someone's face and just tell myself I don't like that person. Or when someone hurts someone who's close to me, then I get mad and hate that person forever.

I hate being left out by my friends or whoever else. I hate people disappearing on me. What I dislike even more is when people appear, disappear, and reappear again when they want something. I hate not having people around me because i'm pretty much a people's person.

But on the surface, I always act like I don't care. That i'm okay with being left out by my groups of friends. That they talk about how fun their night was on a group chat, and I've got nothing to say. When I try to say something, and just get shot down by my friends, who won't listen, and think it's funny to annoy the fuck out of me. I act like it's okay for my bestfriend to get a girlfriend, and then completely forget I exist, even when we're in the same school. I act like it's okay when we're a group of people, and I feel like I don't belong.

I act like I'm fine when my brother doesn't really like to have me around, and he barely tolerates me even then. I act like it's okay when he just does things with me when it's convenient and he doesn't have his girlfriend or cousins or tons of friends to go out with. I act like it doesn't hurt when he gives anyone the look that says "don't ask her out" when they do. Then I act like I don't actually want to go, and you can see the relief in this eyes, and face. I feel like this because he's someone I love a lot, and having him feel this way about me, like his embarrassed, hurts.

People need to start to realise everything's not black and white, or right and wrong. Sure, there are pros and cons to everything, but whether the pros outweigh the cons, or the latter, no one has any reason to judge someone they don't know well so critically like they know everything.

Of stereotyping, and non existent balls.

So I was wondering. I have this theory where there is probably something wrong with me, and I'm kind of pretty sure there is.

I absolutely hate it when I start getting to know someone, or we're talking, and things are going alright, and then they just *poof* stop talking to me all of a sudden. It's annoying and ridiculous and I hate it.

If you don't want to talk to me anymore, the least you could do was man up and tell me that you don't think this is working, or that you don't think you can talk to me cause I'm not attractive or whatever.

You know what's the worst? When they tell you not to knock them off yet, that they aren't like other guys, that I shouldn't stereotype, but they go ahead and do all the same shit the guy before does, and expect me to think you're different?

Oh please. Have some balls at least to say you think I'm ugly, or that I have a horrible attitude and you can't stand looking at me or talking to me or whatever. Don't just ignore and not say anything, fuckers.

You're fucking disgusting, and you're horrible and mean.

Of beauty and scars.

It's true. Always have. Probably always will.