Oreos.

It's been a really long year for me in 2012. So many things have happened, I've lost friends, fought a lot, and I know I've come out on the other side a much better person. Or I hope I have come out on the other side a much better person.

The past definitely hurts. The things I've been through, those that I don't tell people, those that I keep to myself just because I don't want anyone to worry. Sometimes, I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words because I just don't really know how or what I'm feeling.

People's words really hurt sometimes. The things they say, the way they act or behave. It's like one day you're fine and dandy with them and the next, they're stabbing you in the back with a blunt knife.

But i've learned not to care about people like that. That they aren't worth my time or trouble, thanks to someone who's been talking to me a lot and just trying to bring me up when I feel like utter shit. Thing is, sometimes it's not that easy to just forget, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you try.

What i'm really glad for are all the good memories, my birthday, my friends birthdays, new friends i've acquired who has actually began as just smoking buddies to people I really care a lot and trust. And I have Janeni and Nad, who are amazing, they see me at my worst but love me anyway.

Then there is that one person that no matter what I tell people, I don't seem to be able to forget because it's not easy. I've had him in my heart since I was 15 and it's not easy to forget one of your initial loves.

So for 2013, it's time for me to forget the past, to treat it like a distant memory, and to focus on my present. My studies, and the people who has been around me and never left no matter how shitty I was. These are the people I really appreciate, and I hope never to lose them.

This year, I'll work on myself. On my confidence and self-esteem, and try to work on being skinny. HAHA, but that's a joke. lol. Nevertheless, I will try my hardest, and if I fail, I will still learn to love myself anyway, and not count all my flaws. Maybe i'll look into the mirror one day and not hate the person I see.

The word "family" is such a joke where I'm from.

I honestly don't get it. What is wrong with my family? I try so damn hard to stay on their good side, to do everything I can, but why is it still never enough?

Why is it, I have to do the laundry on a Wednesday even though I might be tired? Why can't I do it on Thursday? What is the difference?

How is it, my father who is home everyday of the week, gets to nag and shout at me for not getting the stupid laundry done? I mean, you're home the whole week right? You could move your fucking arse and help around the house.

Why is it just because I have my friend over to sleepover, you use it as a damn fucking excuse to say that just cause my friend is around, I care only about my friend and I don't care about the family?

HOW IS LAUNDRY AND HOW I TREAT THE FAMILY LINKED AT ALL?

How is it that I can never please you?

And you think that I say bad stuff about the family? I say that my parents are fucked up? YOU ARE SO WRONG.

I tell people that my mum and I have a good relationship and I can tell her a lot of stuff. I tell them that my dad gives tough love and though I don't understand it, I accept it.

So no. I don't fucking tell people that my family is fucked up.

Why are you so fucking anal about the stupid laundry? Why the fuck do you even care?

You say I only think about my friends? What about you? You think about your friends too. You can spend the whole fucking day out with them, but when I do it, it's a big deal? What the fuck? Where the fuck is your stupid fucking logic, really?

Maybe you think I'm a failure. Maybe you don't like me cause I'm not good looking like my brother or sister so you're embarrassed of me. Or maybe you're afraid of my sister hating you so you give in to her but you don't really care what I think. Like you couldn't really give a shit about me. How do you think I feel? Have you ever gave a thought to my feelings? To how hurt I feel all the time?

I hardly ever ask you for money. Only when I really need it. Even when I'm at home and you ask if I need money for food and all that, I could always say yes and take the money, but I don't. I say it's okay, that I'm not really hungry, and if I am I'll just find something to eat.

But I guess all this counts for nothing because in the end I'm the daughter that only cares about her friends right?

How about this? I rather stay at home and be a recluse than go out, and it's all your fault. You make me so terrified of asking you if I can go out that I just give excuses to my friends and I stay home.

A daughter isn't supposed to be terrified of her father. He should be the one she runs to when she's feeling upset, or someone in school made fun of her, but I can't do that with you, can I?

I can't do that because you're not that kind of father. You're the kind who makes fun of me, as if I don't already know that I'm fat. You're the one that always thinks I'm not good enough.

You even crushed my dreams and love for baking by actually telling me not to bake again.

Honestly, no matter what I tell people, I'm not fooling myself. I've never felt like home in this house. I feel trapped. I feel like a prisoner.

It's like you expect me to do everything for what? In return for pocket money and paying my phone bill? If that's the case, you can keep your money, and I'll take my chances at freedom.

Red lips.

Hello, this is me. Trying on red lips for the first time. Red, the colour of passion, and the colour of anger. Red, the colour most girls are afraid to try for fear of it being "too much". What is too much, then? blue eyeshadow, red lips and pink blusher, maybe that's too much. But red lips, with played down eyes. that definitely isn't too much.

Goodbye.

Gender Specific.

So, this place is basically neglected most of the time, but..I have to revive it somehow. So why not with the pictures of people I like? Right? As a lot of you know, i'm not gender specific when it comes to having a crush, or admiring, or even liking or dating someone, but these are a few people that I respect a lot.

Well, he's well known as slipknot's lead singer but he also has another band, not as recognised, but it's called stone sour, and it's absolutely amazing. Sure this guy can do screamo, but boy, can he sing. My favourite song is "Hesitate". (On a side note, this guy doesn't have a neck. He has a tree trunk for replacement.)

Then there's Mr Dwayne Johnson.Has always been, and will always be my childhood hero. Growing up with an older brother, you don't watch barbie and disney princesses. I grew up watching him, in the ring, mainly because my grandfather loves watching WWF (that was what it was called at that time), and not to mention, he kind of looks like my dad (well, since my dad is older, so he looks like my dad, not the other way round). And then venturing out to movies? I loved him in Fast 5. And then going back to the ring recently. Even has the "bad guy" in wrestling now, his fans are still vast, and I'm definitely one of them.

Emma Stone.Give me a girl with dimples, and i'm definitely smitten. She has a sense of humor too, so it isn't just in the looks department. She isn't afraid to show the world who she really is, and laughs about it, and well, even though she is famous and all, there is a degree of normality about her that is so absolutely refreshing (And my words are starting to sound like verses from criminal minds since i've been watching it day in and out) She's absolutely beautiful.

Megan Fucking Fox. WHO DOESN'T LIKE HER? She can turn straight women gay. and gay men straight. HAHAHA. okay yeah well, she is absolutely stunning, and definitely perfect to the bone. well, that's only physicality, since i'll never actually know what she's like. she could be a mean bitch for all we know. But who could ever refuse such perfection? 

ADAM LEVINE. Lead singer of Maroon 5, if some people don't know that, and I watched him live a couple of days back at the Singapore F1 Grand Prix, and he's so amazing. I think i'll just die if he ever notices me and talks to me (well then, looks like i'll be living a long life. sigh.) And he's inked. I'm a sucker for someone who's inked, and his band has damn good music that I can totally relate to. haih.

Enrique. Need I say more? Those bed room eyes, and accent. enough to make any warm blooded female, warmer. (That got me thinking. is anyone actually attracted to the indian accent? Since i'm indian, i know i'm definitely not. But what about westerners? I'm always wondering if they like the indian accent or something. LOL.)

Matthew Gray Gubler - Model, and plays Dr. Spencer Reed in Criminal Minds. I liked him the first time I saw him on criminal minds, I thought about how geeky he looks and speaks, but there's just something, something about that face that's so attractive. Yes, I'm a sucker for both bad boys and geeks.

Keeping the best for the last,Singapore's own, Noel Boyd. (Okay I got this picture off his website here. He's got tattoos all over - Told you i'm a sucker for ink, and he's a good example of the inside not mirroring what's on the outside. You can tell he absolutely loves his kid, and the whole concept where "inks on this person. this gotta be a horrible, mean, [insert more words here]" That's not true. Hahaha. WTF. Bottom line is, he's great. Period. 


Yes, this is a sorry attempt to revive my blog, but I felt like blogging, didn't have anything to blog about, and didn't want to rant *looks at previous post* 

Long Way to Go.

You know what I hate the most? I hate it when people judge me.

Yes, I drink. That doesn't make me an alcoholic. I still get up in the morning like everyone else, and go to school. I still pass my exams (most of the time), and no, contrary to what so many people who think they know me think, I don't drink everyday, or every chance I get. I can go clubbing and not drink at all. I've done it before. It's not that I don't have self control. Just cause I drink, it doesn't make me a bad person.

Yes, I occasionally smoke. That doesn't make me a failure. That's not going to ruin me, my future, my career, or anything like that at all. That's not going to ruin anything, except my possible health. And that's okay with me, because it is my health, and my body. Sure, so many people are going to be judging and saying that many would like to be healthy, and have a healthy body. Yes I sympathize that they don't, but no, that does not give ANYONE any reason to just tell me what to do with my own body. If I let anyone who said something about my body get to me, i'd be a size 0, with no boobs, no butt, my face would probably be falling off from all the plastic surgeries I would have gotten to make my nose sharper, my eyes bigger, and since I wouldn't have any boobs, it'll be boob jobs to make my boobs bigger.

Yes, I absolutely love tattoos, already have 2, and would probably have more in the future or near future. No, that doesn't make me a gangster, or hooligan, or a drop out with nowhere to go and no aim in life. I do actually. I want to be an educator. A teacher. Tattoos aren't going to stop me from getting it done, you know.

No, I'm no Virgin Mary. But no, that doesn't make me a slut or a whore, or someone guys can use to just have their awesome time with. HELL NO. Albeit I always end up giving it up to the wrong one, it still does not make me a slut. Stop trying to tell me abstinence is key. Sure, there are girls who would wait till their married to give it up, but I have another question of my own: What happens if the marriage doesn't work out and you get divorced? Is it going to be you and your hand the rest of your life, or are you actually going to find someone to share the ecstasy with? Or are you going to get married 10 times (assuming your marriage has failed more than once) just so that you can say "I'm not a slut because I have sex only after i'm married." Then that's fucking bullshit. You're no different from the rest of us girls who gave it up way before we got married. We're in the 21st century already, please tweak, tune, alter and stretch your thinking a little bit.

Yes, I'm fat. No, that doesn't mean i'm unhealthy and pig out on food all day in front of the television. NO. I'm the kind of person who'd rather, between the options of walking and taking a bus, i'd walk if the distance is reasonable. I'm not going to take the bus for one stop, unless i'm really tired. Yes, I'm on a sports team in school, and yes i'm still fat. At the very least I'm trying to make myself healthier. And no, I don't eat a lot everyday. It's just some days, where all you people come together to be all judgemental and pointing your stupid dirty fingers at me, that's when I have an outbreak. It's like Aliens vs Predators, only it's Shalania vs Food.

Yes, I hate it when people don't use proper english to make a first impression sometimes. Especially people I might potentially date. I know you people would go "beggars can't be choosers" because i'm fat and ugly and shit, but hey, I do have some standards, I'd rather not date if i know I'm not going to be able to stand the guy's grammar and english, and i'm going to feel the need to correct it and humiliate him throughout the whole date.

Yes, I put on shitloads of makeup. No, I don't do it so Tom, Dick and Harry over there can fall head over heels in love with my fake face. I do it because i'm insecure, and to make ME feel good about MYSELF. Some people photoshop, I just photoshop in 3D.

Yes, I fall in like too fast and too hard (I don't say love, because i've only ever loved 2 guys in my entire life), but that doesn't mean I'm weak. That just shows you that i'm still old fashioned. I like people, instead of things. I cherish people, and cry when I have to let them go, not things. In today's world, you see people more in love with their iphones (I know I still am though), or their gadgets more than they love people. Go sit in a restaurant, or hawker centre, and observe, whole families can be sitting together having dinner, but everyone's on some technology or another. See couples on dates, and they're also on their phones. (I'm not saying EVERYONE does that, but most people these days do.) Yes, I do that sometimes too, but only when I feel that i'm absolutely left out in a conversation, or i've got a text i should reply, but not hang on my phone the whole entire time.

Yes, I always try my hardest to see the best in people, but that doesn't mean i'm a saint. I'm flawed too. I have moments where I see someone's face and just tell myself I don't like that person. Or when someone hurts someone who's close to me, then I get mad and hate that person forever.

I hate being left out by my friends or whoever else. I hate people disappearing on me. What I dislike even more is when people appear, disappear, and reappear again when they want something. I hate not having people around me because i'm pretty much a people's person.

But on the surface, I always act like I don't care. That i'm okay with being left out by my groups of friends. That they talk about how fun their night was on a group chat, and I've got nothing to say. When I try to say something, and just get shot down by my friends, who won't listen, and think it's funny to annoy the fuck out of me. I act like it's okay for my bestfriend to get a girlfriend, and then completely forget I exist, even when we're in the same school. I act like it's okay when we're a group of people, and I feel like I don't belong.

I act like I'm fine when my brother doesn't really like to have me around, and he barely tolerates me even then. I act like it's okay when he just does things with me when it's convenient and he doesn't have his girlfriend or cousins or tons of friends to go out with. I act like it doesn't hurt when he gives anyone the look that says "don't ask her out" when they do. Then I act like I don't actually want to go, and you can see the relief in this eyes, and face. I feel like this because he's someone I love a lot, and having him feel this way about me, like his embarrassed, hurts.

People need to start to realise everything's not black and white, or right and wrong. Sure, there are pros and cons to everything, but whether the pros outweigh the cons, or the latter, no one has any reason to judge someone they don't know well so critically like they know everything.

Of stereotyping, and non existent balls.

So I was wondering. I have this theory where there is probably something wrong with me, and I'm kind of pretty sure there is.

I absolutely hate it when I start getting to know someone, or we're talking, and things are going alright, and then they just *poof* stop talking to me all of a sudden. It's annoying and ridiculous and I hate it.

If you don't want to talk to me anymore, the least you could do was man up and tell me that you don't think this is working, or that you don't think you can talk to me cause I'm not attractive or whatever.

You know what's the worst? When they tell you not to knock them off yet, that they aren't like other guys, that I shouldn't stereotype, but they go ahead and do all the same shit the guy before does, and expect me to think you're different?

Oh please. Have some balls at least to say you think I'm ugly, or that I have a horrible attitude and you can't stand looking at me or talking to me or whatever. Don't just ignore and not say anything, fuckers.

You're fucking disgusting, and you're horrible and mean.

Of beauty and scars.

It's true. Always have. Probably always will.