10 things never to do or say to your waitress/waiter.

1. Never blame the food being slow on your server. NEVER. It's not like your server is the one cooking it, and no, just because they bring out the food for someone else, does not mean that they did not take your order down. Some food take faster than others to prepare, so sit your ass down and wait.
2. We do not care how much money you have, really. We couldn't be bothered how much you're spending, and we do not care to have you shove that fact into our faces every time something goes wrong. We couldn't give a shit how much money you have. Treat us better, we'll make your short stay at the restaurant a whole lot better. We will clear your empty plates and glasses, and change your ashtrays, ice buckets and mixers for you without asking. Treat us like shit, and everyone avoids you like the plague and you would have to keep calling us to do something for you, and to the other patrons, you're probably going to seem like you're needy.
3. Don't you dare order a cocktail and say "I can't taste the alcohol", or "do you think  you can ask your bartender to add more alcohol in there?" No. We cannot, and we will not. You ordered the damn cocktail, you drink it. It's cocktail. Mixed with a few different kinds of juices to dampen the taste of alcohol. If you wanted a drink that's stronger, order something on the rocks, or neat, or a damn beer. Even order a bottle. You could also ask us to add an extra shot to your drink, and you pay for it. If not, quietly sip on your cocktails.
4. Do not snap, clap or whistle to get our attention. We aren't animals. Wait for us to realise you need attention because more often than not, we're always walking around. I'm sure you can wait 30 seconds for us to walk around your table area, and if you can't, walk up to us. Dining in a restaurant doesn't automatically make you handicapped. It will not kill you to walk up to us and request for whatever you need. We will graciously do it for you, apologise for making you walk, and even give you smiles the entire time.
5. If your buddies and yourself decide that you guys are going on dutch, tell your server. Nothing sucks worse than putting it all on one tab, and having you idiots tell us when you want to get the bill that "oh, we want to split the bill." No. It greatly irritates us because we have other customers to attend to and we will not spend that 15  minutes splitting the bill between you 5 idiots, and then have you idiots come up to us and complain that we're taking too long. What's worse is when your server asks you who had what, and you can't remember. You can't remember what you had, and we're supposed to remember what all 5 of you had? We are servers, not robots. Remember your own damn meal or just split even by yourselves.
6. When we politely apologise for interrupting your conversation, and ask you a question, do not ignore us. Chances are we're asking if you want a refill, or that we're doing the last order for food, or for drinks. If you blatantly ignore us, we will act like you don't exist, and if you complain that we didn't inform you, we will throw the fact that you ignored us back in your face.
7. We're human. We make mistakes too. Sometimes we charge you the wrong amount, sometimes we spill your drinks. On you. We're not complete assholes unless you're one. We will replace your drink with a new one. We will apologise and re-charge your bill, because, believe it or not, it's fixable, and not that difficult to do.
8. Do not do a dine and dash. Never. Do. That. All that food and drinks you were supposed to pay for? That's coming out of our pockets now you idiot. We work because we can't afford a lot of things, and more often than not, we're supplementing our own pocket money, sometimes even school fees. To fork out that 50 over dollars that you were supposed to pay, is a lot for us. 
9. Don't ask us if we can "change the music". No we can't. It comes from a fixed playlist that we have no control over. The bosses don't like it, the manager doesn't like it, and we don't like it.
10. In Singapore, it isn't mandatory to tip the waiters and waitresses. Sure, a tip would be wonderful, but if you don't tip that's fine. Just don't make life difficult for us, and try to be a little nicer to us. We're there to serve you, make your meal as pleasant as we can. Do not treat us like your slaves. You aren't paying us, and we will refuse to serve rude customers.

You are, the piece of me, I wish I didn't need.

To have friends is to be able to be proud to tell the world about them, to be able to introduce them to your family, extended family, and even your other friends, but then again, what happens when we aren't able to do that? What happens when everyone can see the kind of people that your supposed "friends" are? Especially the ones closer to your hearts?

I'm trying to understand where they are coming from, but it is a little difficult because it goes against my morals. I tell everyone that I know that I'm not someone to judge anyone, and as long as you give me my due respect, I'll give you the same respect. I'd mirror it. But what happens when the people closer to you are so judgemental that everyone around them can see it? What happens when you get people asking you "why your friends so judgemental and like keep giving everyone weird looks?" How do i reply to that?

I mean, i judge people too. Random strangers on the train, people I would never see again, and I would never say it out loud, or loud enough that they could hear it, or they could see it on my face because it hurts to know that someone is judging you on first impressions. We can all leave first impressions to job interviews because that is the one place we are definitely judged and we can do nothing about it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking one step forward and ten steps back. I'm trying my very best to climb out of this depression hell-hole, and it sucks when some of the people closest to you are so oblivious and the words hurt. I hate being left out, or when my clique has an inside joke that i'm not in on. I mean what's that all about? It's so annoying.

Then again, this is one-sided. I have no idea what they are thinking, what's going through their minds, or if they are as done as I am, and this is the best of our friendship. If it really is, if it is only going to go downhill from here on, it's best we all walk away from each other before something major happens that hurts one or all of us.

Not Giving In.

So, I just turned 21 yesterday. It feels the same as turning 17, 18, 19, and 20.

Although I wasn't expecting anything at all, just a relaxed day out with my cousin, I love how my special bunch made it really special for me. A surprise birthday cake, a day out to town, and another special girl meeting me for dinner.

It really was great.

---------------------------------------------------------------

On a different not, I've not been feeling really good lately. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I'm just distracted all the time and I don't feel like doing anything. Depression really isn't a joke. It's difficult, it's tiresome, and I just want it to stop.

I'm sure many people would go "stop being so dramatic. Just cause you're feeling down for a little while doesn't mean you are actually depressed." No. You don't know what it's like feeling down, and feeling depressed.

When you're feeling down, it's just a day or two and then you're fine. Depression is worse. A lot worse. I can't even begin to explain how it is. It's like drowning, and you know you're going to die but you struggle to try to get to the surface any way, but sometimes something else is just pulling you down. It could be anything. Life, people, yourself, it just pulls you down.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, depressed people don't like telling others that they are. If they tell you, it honestly means that they trust you a lot. The trust given to open up and tell you things is a lot. Don't take it for granted and laugh it off. Most of the time when they tell you, they're trying to reach out to you, to silently scream to you that they want help, that they need help.

I do that too. To all my close friends. Especially every time I feel like i'm close to the edge. I know that I want to leap of the edge, to stop struggling and let myself drown. Sometimes I just want to let myself go.

I'm so close to just giving up.

Nobody's Fool.

I've been a train wreck recently. I've had so many issues that I think my previous post about working on my self-esteem and confidence is a definite bust.

It's been a lot of a roller coaster ride lately and I have no idea where the brakes are. I've had my mind all over the place and I can't seem to stop and take a step back to think and try to organize all my thoughts. Even right now, I have my thoughts all over the place, making typing this down next to impossible.

I'm turning 21 in 3 months, and I don't think I want a party. Well, I DON'T THINK I WANT ONE, because at the end of the day, I'm still a girl. Sparkly stuff, and presents and balloons and lots and lots of alcohol makes me a very happy girl.

I'd love to have a really nice ballroom, with helium filled balloons in black. I'd love sparkly decorations and a table that's filled as high as possible with lots of presents (not the shit ones that people get for the sake of getting it and not because they think you'll use it or would look good on you.) I actually want presents that I WANT. get it? Like on a wishlist. I'd like to look great in a real sparkly gold or black dress, but i'll just look disgusting because i'm a fat blob of disgusting. I want alcohol, lots of alcohol, alcohol that's so much that it can get every single individual drunk. I'd love a cute date. That won't hurt.

And this, though I know no one reads this, is my wishlist for my 21st birthday. (Singapore will snow if I even get one out of everything here.)

1. A rose gold Michael Kors watch.
2. Issey Miyake pleats please! perfume
3. Paris Hilton Perfume
4. Dr. Martens (In floral or black, or actually any colour)
5. Creepers
6. Dorothy Perkins Gift Card
7. Marc Jacobs watch
8. Topshop Gift Card
9. Sephora Make up (like foundation, concealor, powder, all that - the full set)
10. An all paid trip. HAHAHAHA
11. A cute boyfriend. LOL.

Okay I've run out of ideas, and all the above listed is probably way out of anyone's paycheck's league, so I can just continue dreaming about it, or saving up enough to buy it. Either way.. Oh well.

& maybe find love? LOL. I make that seem like walking into a shop and buying it. Who am I kidding. 

Oreos.

It's been a really long year for me in 2012. So many things have happened, I've lost friends, fought a lot, and I know I've come out on the other side a much better person. Or I hope I have come out on the other side a much better person.

The past definitely hurts. The things I've been through, those that I don't tell people, those that I keep to myself just because I don't want anyone to worry. Sometimes, I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words because I just don't really know how or what I'm feeling.

People's words really hurt sometimes. The things they say, the way they act or behave. It's like one day you're fine and dandy with them and the next, they're stabbing you in the back with a blunt knife.

But i've learned not to care about people like that. That they aren't worth my time or trouble, thanks to someone who's been talking to me a lot and just trying to bring me up when I feel like utter shit. Thing is, sometimes it's not that easy to just forget, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you try.

What i'm really glad for are all the good memories, my birthday, my friends birthdays, new friends i've acquired who has actually began as just smoking buddies to people I really care a lot and trust. And I have Janeni and Nad, who are amazing, they see me at my worst but love me anyway.

Then there is that one person that no matter what I tell people, I don't seem to be able to forget because it's not easy. I've had him in my heart since I was 15 and it's not easy to forget one of your initial loves.

So for 2013, it's time for me to forget the past, to treat it like a distant memory, and to focus on my present. My studies, and the people who has been around me and never left no matter how shitty I was. These are the people I really appreciate, and I hope never to lose them.

This year, I'll work on myself. On my confidence and self-esteem, and try to work on being skinny. HAHA, but that's a joke. lol. Nevertheless, I will try my hardest, and if I fail, I will still learn to love myself anyway, and not count all my flaws. Maybe i'll look into the mirror one day and not hate the person I see.

The word "family" is such a joke where I'm from.

I honestly don't get it. What is wrong with my family? I try so damn hard to stay on their good side, to do everything I can, but why is it still never enough?

Why is it, I have to do the laundry on a Wednesday even though I might be tired? Why can't I do it on Thursday? What is the difference?

How is it, my father who is home everyday of the week, gets to nag and shout at me for not getting the stupid laundry done? I mean, you're home the whole week right? You could move your fucking arse and help around the house.

Why is it just because I have my friend over to sleepover, you use it as a damn fucking excuse to say that just cause my friend is around, I care only about my friend and I don't care about the family?

HOW IS LAUNDRY AND HOW I TREAT THE FAMILY LINKED AT ALL?

How is it that I can never please you?

And you think that I say bad stuff about the family? I say that my parents are fucked up? YOU ARE SO WRONG.

I tell people that my mum and I have a good relationship and I can tell her a lot of stuff. I tell them that my dad gives tough love and though I don't understand it, I accept it.

So no. I don't fucking tell people that my family is fucked up.

Why are you so fucking anal about the stupid laundry? Why the fuck do you even care?

You say I only think about my friends? What about you? You think about your friends too. You can spend the whole fucking day out with them, but when I do it, it's a big deal? What the fuck? Where the fuck is your stupid fucking logic, really?

Maybe you think I'm a failure. Maybe you don't like me cause I'm not good looking like my brother or sister so you're embarrassed of me. Or maybe you're afraid of my sister hating you so you give in to her but you don't really care what I think. Like you couldn't really give a shit about me. How do you think I feel? Have you ever gave a thought to my feelings? To how hurt I feel all the time?

I hardly ever ask you for money. Only when I really need it. Even when I'm at home and you ask if I need money for food and all that, I could always say yes and take the money, but I don't. I say it's okay, that I'm not really hungry, and if I am I'll just find something to eat.

But I guess all this counts for nothing because in the end I'm the daughter that only cares about her friends right?

How about this? I rather stay at home and be a recluse than go out, and it's all your fault. You make me so terrified of asking you if I can go out that I just give excuses to my friends and I stay home.

A daughter isn't supposed to be terrified of her father. He should be the one she runs to when she's feeling upset, or someone in school made fun of her, but I can't do that with you, can I?

I can't do that because you're not that kind of father. You're the kind who makes fun of me, as if I don't already know that I'm fat. You're the one that always thinks I'm not good enough.

You even crushed my dreams and love for baking by actually telling me not to bake again.

Honestly, no matter what I tell people, I'm not fooling myself. I've never felt like home in this house. I feel trapped. I feel like a prisoner.

It's like you expect me to do everything for what? In return for pocket money and paying my phone bill? If that's the case, you can keep your money, and I'll take my chances at freedom.

Red lips.

Hello, this is me. Trying on red lips for the first time. Red, the colour of passion, and the colour of anger. Red, the colour most girls are afraid to try for fear of it being "too much". What is too much, then? blue eyeshadow, red lips and pink blusher, maybe that's too much. But red lips, with played down eyes. that definitely isn't too much.

Goodbye.